Monday, January 22, 2007

Polka Night on the Hell Bus

I’m gonna sound like that fat slag in “Office Space” when I say we’ve got a real case of the Mondays over here.

Fans of the now defunct comic “The Far Side” may remember this one particular strip. The top half shows people entering Heaven as St. Peter says, “Welcome to Heaven. Here’s your harp.” The bottom half shows people entering Hell as a guardian devil says, “Welcome to Hell. Here’s your accordion.”

Start up the bubble machine, Mr. Welk.

Winter weather is finally settling in over here in Loserville. I can tell NOT by the moisture on the windows, nor by the grey skies or even the ice that glazed our trees, deck and wires sprouting from the house. Oh, no. I know it’s winter by the onslought of nosebleeds.

The combination of extreme cold followed immediately by extreme dry heat turns my nasal passages into a war zone. I’m now constantly checking my nose to make sure I’m not oozing any kind of fluid, thereby looking like either a coke addict, a chronic nose-picker or some crazy bastard with obsessive/compulsive disorder.

This morning after doing thorough maintenance on my poor, victimized nose, I had the joy of cleaning up a fresh, hot, wet pile of cat vomit. On the carpet. Yay. Somebody up there likes me.

The combination of these two events must have done something to my thought patterns. The drive to work was uneventful and my arrival spurned no upheavals. I had been at my desk for about a half an hour when I decided to fuel up on some coffee. While standing at the sink, rinsing out the sludge from my last coffee fueling I happen to look up at the mirror and cried our in horror.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY EYES?! Holy shit! I forgot my mascara! FUCK! I didn’t even blend my eye shadow!!

I look like a raccoon with a hangover. I frantically start smearing, hoping no one will see me. Well, no one ELSE. Shit. I’ve already walked past or talked to at least 6 people so far AND NO ONE TOLD ME I LOOKED LIKE A FREAK! Not even my own damn husband! He stood right there this morning, gave me a hug and kiss goodbye and didn’t say a goddam thing!

After a fierce smudging, and a coffee fill-up, I hasten back to desk, ranting as I come.

“Ya know, I would expect the NEXT time I forget to blend my eye shadow one of you slobs would have the courtesy to TELL ME I look like a FREAK!”

My co-workers stare at me. “What? We didn’t notice anything. Hell, I haven’t even looked at you yet.”

Nice to know my presence is acknowledged with such detail.

One more little nugget of discouragement. I saw this item declaring today to bee the gloomiest day of the year.

Well, it certainly is looking that way, isn’t it? Thank you, science guys.

And I’m still waiting for my damn accordion.


Anonymous said...

I can tell you that, yes, yesterday did feel like the gloomiest day... I mean, I was gloomier than usual, for some reason.

KD said...

I need some polka!