Tuesday, January 29, 2008

2 hours of your life you're never getting back

God, movies suck right now. I mean really suck. We’re talking massive amounts of negative pressure. Huge cratefuls of suck.

Don’t believe me? Go to Apple movie trailers and look. You’ll see that Hollywood is completely out of ideas.


The Spouse and I have discussed the absolutely puke-inducing trend in comedies right now. We call them the BBBF movies; Boobs, Butts, Beer and Farts. Ever since “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” nearly every comedy that comes out is geared toward males age 13-30 and features nothing but beer and fart jokes, offset with overly-sexed and completely unrealistic babes with large tits and extra curvy butts, who surprisingly, find themselves attracted to these juvenile, overweight, unhygienic clods.

Yeah, and monkeys are flying outta my ass.

So if you go and peruse Apple movie trailers you will find no less than 12 of these BBBF turds.

Another example of rotten movies is the trend of “Let’s make a movie based on this totally awesome toy/cartoon/comic book/video game!” Example? Yup, five of them on that page. And that’s only the ones with current trailers. Should we even venture into the vomit bags that were released last year (Transformers, Ghost Rider, Bratz...)?

Then there’s the remakes. There’s 3 on the website right now but it seems like very few weeks a classic film is being ass-raped into a pop-culture trash-fest of a remake (Rollerball, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I Am Legend, Halloween...).

Speaking of hip-hop teen pop culture, there’s the other trend of the trendy teens/bad high school kids and the great dance contest/car race. You want examples? Yo! The Fast and the Furious, Bring It On, How She Move... Let’s face it. All of these are just remakes of Breakin’ Too: Electric Bugaloo.

One more trend we’ve noticed is the Harrison Ford “I have to save my family!” movie (Firewall, Air Force One) and the George Clooney running from something movie (Burn After Reading, Syriana, O Brother Where Art Thou, Michael Clayton). Altho both men are fine actors and have turned out some incredible films, both can always fall back on those two themes and at least get their Hollywood mansion mortgage paid.

Now I should point out that not all of the trailers out right now are full of suckage. There’s several on there that show promise; the dramas, the political intrigues, the foreign films. And then there’s Wall•e. Yeah, I’m hooked on this one. I’ve already watched the trailer about 30 times now. And the new Star Trek looks pretty damn cool, too.

But everything else. Suck.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Roach Motel Extended-Stay Suite

Today, friends and neighbors, we are mourning the loss of Ralph. Ralph was with us only a few short years but his familiar presence was known by many who passed his way. On any trip up that dark, musty stairwell Ralph brought a little ray of sunshine into our day.

Before I tell yall more about Ralph, I’d like to talk about laziness. Now I’m not here to cast stones. Oh no. Anyone (especially the Spouse and my parents) can relate many a tale about my own laziness. I may not be Queen, but I am at least a minor Duchess when it comes to being lazy.

Along with laziness comes cleanliness. Don’t worry... I’m fastidious when it comes to my own bodily cleanliness so we won’t head down that scary, smelly path. But I do lack motivation when it comes to cleaning up my own abode. I think a lot of you will agree with me that cleaning house is the pits. I’d rather go down a sliding board made of razor blades and land in a bucket of salt that have to clean house.

Ok, it’s not THAT bad, but you get the idea. I do have a tendency to let things pile up. But usually after the third time I throw away the same dust bunny or pile of hair I’ll go ahead and break out the vacuum. (It’s weird, but I think those things crawl out of the trash can at night when we’re asleep.)

Which brings me back to Ralph. You see, Ralph is a roach. A dead roach. A dead roach what’s been lying on the fifth step in a stairwell at work. For years.

He didn’t magically reappear numerous times after being thrown away. It’s just that no one has ever made the effort to throw him away. No one. Not even the cleaning crew or a regular maintenance guy.

Sure, I’ve often thought, as I trot up the stairs to the soda machine for a 20 ounce Mountain Dew first thing in the morning, “Gees, I guess I could get a tissue and just pick that thing up and throw it away myself.” But, like many other human beings in the building that also use the same stairwell to get their morning caffeine jolt, no one else has made the effort, either. So Ralph has been lying there, belly up, since 2003.

Actually, I’m not entirely sure about the year, but I’ve been there since 2001, and I remember first encountering Ralph about a year or so after. He coulda been there longer and I just didn’t notice until later. And his name may not even be Ralph. It coulda been Edward or Howard or Bart or even Hortense. Hell, he coulda been female. But we don’t know. And we’ll never know. Because he’s dead. AND HE’S BEEN LYING ON THE FIFTH STEP SINCE 2003!

Last Friday, since it was right before another nice 4-day holiday weekend, I was feeling frisky. I got a Post-It and jotted upon it: “Hi! I’m Ralph the Roach and I’ve been here since 2003!” and stuck it on the wall just inches away from Ralph.

I fully expected that Post-It to remain another 5 years. Man, was I ever disappointed.

This morning one of our customer service gals comes over and asks, “Do you all know who put the note over the roach in the stairs?”

At first I was slightly shocked because she didn’t automatically assume it was me, knowing some of the crazy shit I do around there. But I slowly raised my hand in response.

“Well, he’s gone. The note, too.”

*blink blink* Wow, Post-Its are some powerfully shit, aren’t they? Fucking roach lays there for five years and all it took was one stupid Post-It note to get him thrown away. Must be magic or maybe some benevolent nighttime office fairies that swooped in and carried him off to Roach heaven. Wow... I wonder if that works in other ways? Instead of putting your tooth under a pillow you could put a Post-It note over something you want removed.

Shit, I’m gonna try that at home. Maybe if I put Post-It notes all over the house, the benevolent nighttime house fairies will clean this place and the Spouse and I won’t have to do it.

Or maybe Post-It notes will keep the killer dust bunnies from crawling out of the trashcan at night. Either way it’s worth a try.