Put your head between your knees...

...and kiss your ass goodbye! The end is here!

Ok, it’s not that bad, but we just had an earthquake today. Whoo hoo! What a ride!

I get up at 5:15am during the week, so I had been up and around for about 25 minutes when the house shifted. It felt like I was back on the cruise ship again. It shifted enough to wake up the cat but not the Spouse. Gilligan and I looked at each other with wide eyes as the house continued to vibrate.

His attention was then drawn to a noise coming from the living room down the hall. I went there and heard metal clanging. I turned on the light to see a few of our swords waving back and forth and clanging against the wall. I knew what was happening. I was just chanting to myself, “Please don’t fall. Please don’t fall.” I could just see a few of these things putting on a hell of a show as the teetered off the wall and punctured furniture and electronics.

The whole thing lasted about 30 to 45 seconds. As soon as the house and swords stopped moving I ran back to the bedroom, grabbed the Spouse’s foot and said, “Guess what dear, you just slept thru an earthquake!”

That man can sleep thru anything.

This wasn’t my first earthquake, tho. It’s actually my third.

My first was in July of 1982. That was the first time in my life I seriously thought the world was coming to an end. The night before we had some downright devastating thunderstorms rip thru our area. Not only did it dump torrential rains and stir up a few tornadoes, but we got hailstones the size of golf balls which did a number on my dad’s cars and our roof. The cars looked like a bad case of acne and the roof and ceiling caved in on the dog. Fret not, the dog was ok (a little wet and sooty, tho) but the hallway was a mess of water, wet plaster and black crud from the roof. Needless to say, we grabbed the wet, dirty dog and spent most of the night in the basement.

So the next day, as we’re recuperating from the previous night’s onslaught, I feel a rumble. I was sitting in my room and felt the floor moving under my butt. I totally freaked out when an already unstable bookcase behind me started swaying back and forth (please note, I’m barely 12 years old). I ran to my parents room and the three of us sat there and waited it out. It only lasted about 1 minute but it was an eternity to an already scared and exhausted kid. The now dry dog was ready to have a stroke.

We had another one back in the spring of 2002. I had gone home from work sick that day and was crashed on my couch in the world’s smallest 1-bedroom apartment in Hikes Point. I was woken up by the building shaking and the swords (once again, the swords that have been with me for a long time and keep moving from home to home) clanging directly over my unhealthy body on the couch. All I could think in my painkiller-induced stupor was, “I hope whatever motherfucker is moving the couch up the building’s steps hurries the fuck up!!”

It was an hour later (after the painkillers did their job) that I happened to check the local news and discover it wasn’t some fat bastard moving furniture.

So the experts and doomsayers have been predicting a queen-mother earthquake for us for decades now. Altho this one wasn’t nearly the disaster it could have been, it was enough to shake the facade off one building downtown.

When the big one does hit, Kentucky is just gonna drop about 150-200 feet straight down, since we sit on a huge network of caves and limestone. I only hope it happens after I’m dead and cremated.

Quality, wholesome entertainment

Dear readers (all 6 of ya), forgive me. I have a confession to make.

Now I watch a lot of TV. I'll watch rotten made-for Sci-Fi Channel movies, slasher films and other mindless blood and gore fests. I'll occasionally venture into cartoons and silly stuff (SiTV has a great show called Circumsized Cinema - no, it's NOT what you think).

But I also watch educational stuff. I love the History Channels, the Travel Channel, TLC and Discovery. I've gotten hooked on Dirty Jobs, Mythbusters, and Bizarre Foods.

I don't watch sitcoms nor do I watch chic flicks. I don't watch sports, either. Never been a sports fan. But, gods help me, that's changed.

I'm now addicted to boxing and UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship). And it's all the spouse's fault.

I never had one iota of interest in watching two men beat each other up, no matter what shape the ring. But a few years ago the spouse and I caught a UFC show by accident and we were hooked. We couldn't leave the television. We had to sit there and watch dozens of guys get bloody, broken and sometimes unconscious. And we loved it.

Then there was boxing. Been married 5 years to this man and just discovered in the past year that he likes boxing. I tried not to watch, really. I'd sit there on the couch with him, book in hand, trying desperately to concentrate on what I was reading and not look at the tv screen.

Nope. Not happening. Big case of fail.

So now on Friday nights it's Boxing on ESPN for us. Then on the occasional Saturday night there's Boxing After Dark on HBO.

I don't really keep up with the boxers themselves (altho I found the whole Oscar de la Hoya in drag pretty damn funny). The Spouse has to remind me who's who and whether we've seen them fight before.

But back to the UFC. This is almost as redneck as professional wrestling and NASCAR. Now, granted, this isn't a bunch of huge, overweight guys in wacky costumes with crazy personas who shout cliche' catchphrases that'll end up airbrushed on millions of t-shirts, then spend several minutes bouncing around on a trampoline with the occasional toss of a chair. Nor is this a bunch of men from 4 or 5 families, driving around and around in a circle a few hundred times at 120 miles an hour with the occasional crash and car fire.

Instead you have 3 rounds of 5 minutes each of two very ripped men beating the living shit out of each other. It's a combination of wrestling (the Olympic kind, not the funny tights and costume kind) and mixed Martials Arts (Ju Jitsu, Judo, Karate, kickboxing, etc.). It's brutal. It's violent. It's disturbing.

And we love it.

We were watching UFC Fight Night last night and saw one match end in 8 seconds. No shit. Guy A landed one good punch to Guy B and that's all she wrote. But other matches went the full time with both guys looking like a side of freshly slaughtered beef at the end.

You see deep facial lacerations and swollen eyes. There's blood speckling the mat and the guys' shorts. Once in a while you might see a broken limb. One time a guy got hit so hard he went into an immediate seizure.

I told you, this shit is brutal.

And I'm watching it. Willingly. What the hell is wrong with me?

I think seeing Fight Club probably didn't help. The first time I watched the movie I didn't like it. It was too much of a 'guy film.' Needless to say, the Spouse loves it.

But on my second viewing I developed an appreciation for the movie. It's not just a film about a guy who starts a club where men fight each other. This guy is totally batshit crazy. And I love the dialogue. So I bought the book (haven't read it yet, but it's on my 'to read' list).

But does reading the book Fight Club justify my enthusiastic watching of boxing and UFC? Please say it does. That way I don't feel like such a redneck piece of whitetrash.

Random thoughts and links, part 110

In case some of you didn't notice, spring official started today. After battling the weather roller coaster we locals were treated to a full day of sun and relatively tolerable temperature today. Since March 7 we've seen 18 inches of snow, followed by a quick meltdown with a side-order of steady rain which resulted in a nice case of flooding.

We have a saying 'round these here parts: "Don't like the weather? Stick around, it'll change." March thru May are the most fun times for weather in Loserville. You can get sun, rain, snow and tornados and, if you're lucky, all in the same day. Last year brought a new annual late winter/early spring event: Thunder Snow. And no, I am NOT making that up. For the past two years in February or March we've had big 'o fat snow falling while thunder has gently shook our houses.

But for now all is calm. And I'm feeling like that there dog as I watch the sun dry up the bog in our backyard. It's been a rotten winter. And it hasn't affected just me. According to MoodyOrNot, it's been pretty crappy for everybody. Last week and last Tuesday were particularly bad.

But if the Spring Weather Fairies have not blessed your locale, here's some goofy web shit to keep you happy.

First question: Who the hell created this? Second question: Who the fuck bought it?!

Roses are read, violets are blue, I'm a Schizophrenic, and so am I. (This one is especially good.)

Now this is a business franchise we need here in Loseville. They would be getting a lot of my money.

When your leg just isn't good enough anymore...

You want ME to babysit your kids? Sure! Guess what we're doing tonight while Mommy and Daddy are gone? We're coloring!

Boredom at work shall never rear its ugly head again.

This dog fuckin' RAWKS!!

Typography as entertainment (graphic designers will love this.)

Cruise control

Yes, we’re back. Actually got back a week ago but I’ve been too lazy to report.

In case you’ve missed it, the Spouse and I embarked on a 5-day cruise to Mexico. Wonderful trip, despite an unusual set-back. We’re ready to go again. Hell, we’re already recruiting folks to go with us on our next one.

But, anyway, a few notes on this, our first cruise:

1. The drive from Loserville to Mobile, AL, is a long one, no matter how fast you drive. 10 hours. But most of the scenery is nice... well, except for Alabama. Alabama is one flat, boring state, scenic-wise. Nothing but pine trees and the occasional trailer park/shanty house. But the roadsigns are priceless. As seen in Kentucky: “Used Cows.” Also, “HELL IS REAL!” conveniently located on the opposite side of the interstate from Lion’s Den Adult Superstore. And, as seen in Alabama (along that same theme) “Go to church! Or the devil will GET YOU!” This sign was nicely adorned with a little red figure menacingly holding a pitchfork.

2. I was surprised at how efficiently they get your butt on board. Yeah, there was some line-waiting, but still, all went smoothly. And you get this nifty credit card that you use instead of cash (the only place you need actual real money is at the casino - yes, they have a casino, too - and on any of your ports-of-call). You use this card for duty-free shop purchases and alcohol. Imagine, no need to carry a purse or wallet wherever you go.

3. Speaking of drinks, you can really get one of those foo foo cocktails the moment you get on board. When you’re out on deck there’s always a few waiters/waitresses hustling the drink of the day. They are very damn tempting but very tasty. And can get pricey, especially the ones that come in overly decorative containers. I got ass-raped for one that came in a coconut shell with a flip-top lid and not one but TWO cocktail umbrellas.

4. The food at the buffet was average but the food at the nightly dinner was exquisite: escargot, gespacho, lobster... And it’s unlimited. You’ve already paid for it with your initial cruise purchase. Go ahead, get TWO lobster entrees if you want. Our two waiters we had very night were fantastic. We loved them. The fine dining restaurants also have a nightly Midnight Buffet. We tried the Chocolate Buffet one night and left stuffed. The first half of the buffet contained some beautiful ice sculptures and lots of finger foods. The second half had desserts that were so beautiful you didn’t want to eat them. But my, they were damn good.

5. There is always a photographer or videographer bouncing around the ship (as soon as you get on board, every night at dinner, when you get at your port-of-call, etc.). Your photo will be taken A LOT. And, if you enter any embarrassing contests it will be filmed. And shown over and over and over and over on the cruise ship’s access channel on your stateroom TV. The Spouse entered the Men’s Hairy Chest contest and came in 2nd (the old, flabby guy who got 1st place won because of sympathy vote). For the rest of the cruise we couldn’t go anywhere without several strangers coming up to the Spouse and saying, “Dude, you shoulda won that contest!” Oh well, he got a plastic trophy out of it.

6. Some people have trouble with motion sickness. I am usually one of those dizzy freaks who gets queasy but surprisingly, I found the rocking motion of the ship the exact opposite. Every night I fell asleep instantly while being gently rocked. I wish there was a way to incorporate that kind of mechanism into our bed at home (without that sounding perverted).

7. Speaking of the ship rocking, it’s taken me a while to get my land legs back. For several days after returning, I found myself slightly swaying back and forth, trying to compensate for the ship’s movement even tho we weren’t on the ship anymore.

8. We encountered some very nice people and a few weird ones. You’ll meet every type of human on a cruise ship.

9. No matter how healthy you may try to be, there’s always the chance for a weird medical emergency. We left Mobile Saturday at 4pm. During the middle of the night the ship did a 180 and headed back to Mobile due to one poor bastard with a medical emergency. Unfortunately this caused us to lose time and one of our ports-of-call. We encountered one passenger who somehow found out that the medical-emergency person had an aneurysm. (Hope they had travel insurance. Hope they survived.)

10. Cozumel, Mexico, is very pretty, but a bit over-commercialized. If you’re looking for inexpensive gold, silver, diamonds or tanzanite, this is your place. And the locals are very friendly and very aggressive because they want your American dollars (yes, they take American moolah - 1$=10.50 Pesos). You’ll hear, “Hello! Welcome! Come in! Come in!” a lot. The shops that carry more traditional Mexican stuff had sales gals dressed in the traditional white cotton dresses with colorful embroidery who will act like your personal shopper. If you pick something up they will gladly carry all of your stuff to the counter.

11. Ok, this is slightly embarrassing, but I’ve never done a tequila shot. Honest. So what better place to get my cherry popped than at Pancho’s Backyard Cafe and Tequila Bar. Mexican shot glasses are scary. They are twice the height of ordinary shot glasses and they fill them to the rim. The stuff we had was very clear and had a light, clean taste. And it burned like hell. But the margaritas chased them down with no problem.

12. Sunscreen. Even if you think you don’t need it. Don’t be fooled by heavy clouds. I’m still molting. I’m leaving a cloud of white dust everywhere I go.

13. Can you afford this? Absolutely. I’m still amazed at how cheap this whole thing was. For a small but very nice stateroom, unlimited food, all kinds of activities on board (trivia, bingo, various nightclubs, casino, main theatre entertainment, multiple decks, pools, mini golf...) and very pleasant crew and staff, you can’t beat it.

So, anybody interested? We’re talking about doing another cruise this time next year...

Random thoughts and links, part 109

See? See right there? I'm NOT crazy. There really IS such a thing as Chocolate Pasta.

Way back in 1996, while on a trip to Atlanta for a piping and drumming workshop, my pals and I grabbed some dinner at a mall food court near our hotel. In this same mall was a candy shop that, along with the usual crappy, run-of-the-mill candy, had not only gourmet chocolate (like Godiva and Joseph Schmidt) but chocolate pasta.

Blown away by the concept of chocolate pasta, I bought a package to take home. I cooked it and, although I can't remember what I topped it with, I remember being impressed with it.

I've been looking for it for almost 12 years. I've checked chocolatiers and candy shops, international groceries and gourmet food markets. Most of the time I get a strange look when I ask for Chocolate Pasta. One time in a Kansas City gourmet shop I actually go the answer, "Oh, we stopped carrying that a while back." Oh, well, at least they had heard of it.

So a couple of weeks ago, just out of the blue, my brain brought up the old memories of chocolate pasta. So I sat myself down in front of the Mac and googled it. Now mind you, I've done this several times in the pst and come up with nothing.

But this time I struck gold. I found it. The same stuff I had found all those years ago. And Amazon was selling it. (Have I mentioned lately how much I love the internet?)

Viola! Two packages land on my doorstep a couple of days ago. And I now have a contact to get more!

I am most happy.

Speaking of travel, the Spouse and I will be hitting the road Friday down to Mobile where we'll catch us a big-ass boat on its way to a couple spots in Mexico. So while we're getting away from the ice and snow, here's some things to keep yall busy:

Who said dog shit isn't funny?

The holidays may be over, but there's always next year.

I can has day job?

Just in time for Valentine's Day... if you honestly, seriously, cannot bare the thought of being separated from your one true love...

Or, ladies, if you want to really surprise your sweetie, your "carpet" can now match your "drapes." (Stolen from Kim ;) )

But if Valentine's Day has you lonely and bitter, you can always sit around and contemplate your own mortality, artistically any way.

Or, let's say, you've been jilted recently. You could send your false love a gift that says how you really feel.

And for those poor gals who keep ending up the bridesmaid and never the bride, sister, we have a place for you.

2 hours of your life you're never getting back

God, movies suck right now. I mean really suck. We’re talking massive amounts of negative pressure. Huge cratefuls of suck.

Don’t believe me? Go to Apple movie trailers and look. You’ll see that Hollywood is completely out of ideas.

Example:

The Spouse and I have discussed the absolutely puke-inducing trend in comedies right now. We call them the BBBF movies; Boobs, Butts, Beer and Farts. Ever since “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” nearly every comedy that comes out is geared toward males age 13-30 and features nothing but beer and fart jokes, offset with overly-sexed and completely unrealistic babes with large tits and extra curvy butts, who surprisingly, find themselves attracted to these juvenile, overweight, unhygienic clods.

Yeah, and monkeys are flying outta my ass.

So if you go and peruse Apple movie trailers you will find no less than 12 of these BBBF turds.

Another example of rotten movies is the trend of “Let’s make a movie based on this totally awesome toy/cartoon/comic book/video game!” Example? Yup, five of them on that page. And that’s only the ones with current trailers. Should we even venture into the vomit bags that were released last year (Transformers, Ghost Rider, Bratz...)?

Then there’s the remakes. There’s 3 on the website right now but it seems like very few weeks a classic film is being ass-raped into a pop-culture trash-fest of a remake (Rollerball, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I Am Legend, Halloween...).

Speaking of hip-hop teen pop culture, there’s the other trend of the trendy teens/bad high school kids and the great dance contest/car race. You want examples? Yo! The Fast and the Furious, Bring It On, How She Move... Let’s face it. All of these are just remakes of Breakin’ Too: Electric Bugaloo.

One more trend we’ve noticed is the Harrison Ford “I have to save my family!” movie (Firewall, Air Force One) and the George Clooney running from something movie (Burn After Reading, Syriana, O Brother Where Art Thou, Michael Clayton). Altho both men are fine actors and have turned out some incredible films, both can always fall back on those two themes and at least get their Hollywood mansion mortgage paid.

Now I should point out that not all of the trailers out right now are full of suckage. There’s several on there that show promise; the dramas, the political intrigues, the foreign films. And then there’s Wall•e. Yeah, I’m hooked on this one. I’ve already watched the trailer about 30 times now. And the new Star Trek looks pretty damn cool, too.

But everything else. Suck.

Roach Motel Extended-Stay Suite

Today, friends and neighbors, we are mourning the loss of Ralph. Ralph was with us only a few short years but his familiar presence was known by many who passed his way. On any trip up that dark, musty stairwell Ralph brought a little ray of sunshine into our day.

Before I tell yall more about Ralph, I’d like to talk about laziness. Now I’m not here to cast stones. Oh no. Anyone (especially the Spouse and my parents) can relate many a tale about my own laziness. I may not be Queen, but I am at least a minor Duchess when it comes to being lazy.

Along with laziness comes cleanliness. Don’t worry... I’m fastidious when it comes to my own bodily cleanliness so we won’t head down that scary, smelly path. But I do lack motivation when it comes to cleaning up my own abode. I think a lot of you will agree with me that cleaning house is the pits. I’d rather go down a sliding board made of razor blades and land in a bucket of salt that have to clean house.

Ok, it’s not THAT bad, but you get the idea. I do have a tendency to let things pile up. But usually after the third time I throw away the same dust bunny or pile of hair I’ll go ahead and break out the vacuum. (It’s weird, but I think those things crawl out of the trash can at night when we’re asleep.)

Which brings me back to Ralph. You see, Ralph is a roach. A dead roach. A dead roach what’s been lying on the fifth step in a stairwell at work. For years.

He didn’t magically reappear numerous times after being thrown away. It’s just that no one has ever made the effort to throw him away. No one. Not even the cleaning crew or a regular maintenance guy.

Sure, I’ve often thought, as I trot up the stairs to the soda machine for a 20 ounce Mountain Dew first thing in the morning, “Gees, I guess I could get a tissue and just pick that thing up and throw it away myself.” But, like many other human beings in the building that also use the same stairwell to get their morning caffeine jolt, no one else has made the effort, either. So Ralph has been lying there, belly up, since 2003.

Actually, I’m not entirely sure about the year, but I’ve been there since 2001, and I remember first encountering Ralph about a year or so after. He coulda been there longer and I just didn’t notice until later. And his name may not even be Ralph. It coulda been Edward or Howard or Bart or even Hortense. Hell, he coulda been female. But we don’t know. And we’ll never know. Because he’s dead. AND HE’S BEEN LYING ON THE FIFTH STEP SINCE 2003!

Last Friday, since it was right before another nice 4-day holiday weekend, I was feeling frisky. I got a Post-It and jotted upon it: “Hi! I’m Ralph the Roach and I’ve been here since 2003!” and stuck it on the wall just inches away from Ralph.

I fully expected that Post-It to remain another 5 years. Man, was I ever disappointed.

This morning one of our customer service gals comes over and asks, “Do you all know who put the note over the roach in the stairs?”

At first I was slightly shocked because she didn’t automatically assume it was me, knowing some of the crazy shit I do around there. But I slowly raised my hand in response.

“Well, he’s gone. The note, too.”

*blink blink* Wow, Post-Its are some powerfully shit, aren’t they? Fucking roach lays there for five years and all it took was one stupid Post-It note to get him thrown away. Must be magic or maybe some benevolent nighttime office fairies that swooped in and carried him off to Roach heaven. Wow... I wonder if that works in other ways? Instead of putting your tooth under a pillow you could put a Post-It note over something you want removed.

Shit, I’m gonna try that at home. Maybe if I put Post-It notes all over the house, the benevolent nighttime house fairies will clean this place and the Spouse and I won’t have to do it.

Or maybe Post-It notes will keep the killer dust bunnies from crawling out of the trashcan at night. Either way it’s worth a try.