Tuesday, January 29, 2008

2 hours of your life you're never getting back

God, movies suck right now. I mean really suck. We’re talking massive amounts of negative pressure. Huge cratefuls of suck.

Don’t believe me? Go to Apple movie trailers and look. You’ll see that Hollywood is completely out of ideas.


The Spouse and I have discussed the absolutely puke-inducing trend in comedies right now. We call them the BBBF movies; Boobs, Butts, Beer and Farts. Ever since “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” nearly every comedy that comes out is geared toward males age 13-30 and features nothing but beer and fart jokes, offset with overly-sexed and completely unrealistic babes with large tits and extra curvy butts, who surprisingly, find themselves attracted to these juvenile, overweight, unhygienic clods.

Yeah, and monkeys are flying outta my ass.

So if you go and peruse Apple movie trailers you will find no less than 12 of these BBBF turds.

Another example of rotten movies is the trend of “Let’s make a movie based on this totally awesome toy/cartoon/comic book/video game!” Example? Yup, five of them on that page. And that’s only the ones with current trailers. Should we even venture into the vomit bags that were released last year (Transformers, Ghost Rider, Bratz...)?

Then there’s the remakes. There’s 3 on the website right now but it seems like very few weeks a classic film is being ass-raped into a pop-culture trash-fest of a remake (Rollerball, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I Am Legend, Halloween...).

Speaking of hip-hop teen pop culture, there’s the other trend of the trendy teens/bad high school kids and the great dance contest/car race. You want examples? Yo! The Fast and the Furious, Bring It On, How She Move... Let’s face it. All of these are just remakes of Breakin’ Too: Electric Bugaloo.

One more trend we’ve noticed is the Harrison Ford “I have to save my family!” movie (Firewall, Air Force One) and the George Clooney running from something movie (Burn After Reading, Syriana, O Brother Where Art Thou, Michael Clayton). Altho both men are fine actors and have turned out some incredible films, both can always fall back on those two themes and at least get their Hollywood mansion mortgage paid.

Now I should point out that not all of the trailers out right now are full of suckage. There’s several on there that show promise; the dramas, the political intrigues, the foreign films. And then there’s Wall•e. Yeah, I’m hooked on this one. I’ve already watched the trailer about 30 times now. And the new Star Trek looks pretty damn cool, too.

But everything else. Suck.


Daniel Johnson said...

Aw, come on. Lighten up, Dear. "Borat" and "Big Mamma's House 2" are hilarious. I need to rent the first "Big Mamma's House", the one that started it all.

lakelady said...

what about No Country for Old Men, or There Will Be Blood, or June. Heck I even think that 27 Dresses looks like fun.

webhamstress said...

Okay...but did you go see Sweeney Todd? Tim Burton. Johnny Depp. Helena Bonham Carter. It doesn't get any better. Perfectly cast. Beautifully shot. Gorgeously macabre.

And, I have to agree with lakelady...Juno looks very promising.

However, Webhamster and I have been grousing about the overall lack of compelling films out there right now. I'm turning to last year's releases on DVD. I'm actually really looking forward to seeing the Elizabeth follow-up with Clive Owen.

Bob A. Ganoosh said...

How old are you, Duranfan? 100?

'Garb & farb! Back in my day, they didn't make these new fangled comic book movies! We didn't make fart jokes...we snuck away to another room so people wouldn't know we farted! And another thing...we didn't like to look at girls with big boobs and round butts. No sir, not us! We liked lumpy, overweight girls who just nagged us all day!'

I agree that there have been (and will continue to be) some big stinkers out there, but come on...be realistic. Hollywood is about big money and entertaining the largest common denominator. If you're looking for artsy fartsy, go to an art film house and read some subtitles.

Oh, and frankly...I Am Legend and Transformers...very entertaining for their part. The trick is: don't go to the movies expecting to see some life-changing event at every turn. Sometimes, you just need to go be entertained and leave the real world behind for a couple of hours. Peace.

Hollygoyle said...

Well, Bob, I'm 37 (look at the profile) but sometimes I FEEL lie I'm 100. ;)

Sure, I completely get that Hollywood is all about the moolah. That's plainly obvious (with the recent exception of "The Hottie and the Nottie". Honestly, did the writers and producers REALLY think they would make a profit from THAT?).

And yes, I can understand wanting to just view some mindless trash to get away from the blandness or ugliness of the world (I have my habit of watching cartoons and own dozens of brainless comedy DVDs).

And altho I'm looking forward to reading "I Am Legend" (Matheson is a hell of a writer), it IS a double remake (Vincent Price did it first in "The Last Man on Earth," then Charlton Heston did it in "The Omega Man). But I have heard god reviews of the movie from trusted sources.

But, come on, Transformers were TOYS! Toys for gods' sake! I just can't respect any movie based on a toy, unless it is specifically geared toward the children who play with the toy.

Toodles and peace.